I Don't Know Why I'm Sad

Hi ive written this paragraph in my notes since a week ago, im 12 and ive been going through alot so ive been writing and this is what i have so far..well tbh idk why im sad i just feel it well maybe i am genuinely sad but idk how to feel anymore. School sucks and parents are so strict i cant have anything to myself. i dont have a phone and if i did have one its theirs. I dont know HOW to feel  tbh life is so draining and the ppl in it make it worse. No one knows how i feel, NO ONE. i will never tell anyone because i feel like a pick me when i talk about myself. I hate when ppl say im pretty or anything because i feel like a pick me when ppl say that and i say tank you or anything  idk why and its honestly so draining. life is so private no one knows that someone's son made me never want to love ever again. Ppl are so fake at my school, teachers dont care and parents jst couldnt give anything to me. They obviously love taylor more, they always take her side and its so annoying. i just want to be understood by people but it seems impossible. I have to lie to everyone that im ok but im not i sitin my room sometimes debating if i wanna commit or not. All i want is a friend group that go outside really late and runs around in parks and hops fences and makes tt and post photos on pintrest. I want real friends. I want someone who fr loves me and cares for me. That will never happen. Ppl mistake kindness as flirting sometimes and its so sad that kindness is that rare. When ppl talk to me abt their feeling i feel them and it mkes my heart drop because i feel so bad for them. idk what to do i have SO many feelings its hard to say all of them at once. I fell off so bad. Grades are dropping because im drained and im so tired but i can never go to bed. All i want is someone to be proud of me. I dont know what to do like fr im lost in my path. Ive realized that i havent talked to God and i havent prayed at all. Ive cared so much for other people i genuinely forgot bout myself. I feel like my friends hate me. Ive always felt that pain every single day ive been to friends my school. its such a big school full of fake people. school is so draining and people dont realize how its effected people. I want to k**l my self so bad. im scared to talk to people about it because its scary i feel like they would judge me because i feel too much. I am jealous always. My old best friend eleni used to say things about my crush noah( old crush by the way). And i would get jealous and i feel like she did that on purpose because she knew i liked him but i never said anything because again im too scared to say anything about my feelings. life sucks. Eleni stopped talking to me she just gave up on us. Im not sure why. i used to have a friend named finn. he always was there. he had the worst childhood. his mom cheated and was an addict and his dad stayed for the kids. Finn came out to me as trans, he told me to not tell anyone and that he trusted me. I told people. i feel horrible. he doesnt go to our school anymore but i miss him. He needed help, he needed someone who cared and no one was there for him. I miss him so much. Lucas,lucas used to be friends with me, finn, eleni, and lucas. that friend group that felt in-replacable. Finn got into a fight with lucas,we all fell off. Lucas and finn both liked me and eleni at the same time. It broke our friendship. finn and me were still best friends, lucas bullied me and eleni doesnt talk to me anymore. Now finn left the school and he was dating a boy that he told me about because he came out trans. I also told people and showed people the text. honestly i feel so bad. i wish i could go back punch myself and cry for ever thinking bout betraying him. he ghosted me. Im in 6th grade now, we were all on call with my friends liv and some other people. lucas joined. lucas got mad at me for saying people were chopped at my school. i feel bad for saying that but again i cant change the past.I wish i could. Lucas was angry called me names i cant reapeat. I wanted to k**l myselfduring that time period but i cant because i want to live but at the same time i dont. i fell off. This guy from my school named noah ruined our friendgroup with all 4 of us because when we were going to go to the mall noah didnt want finn to come, for some reason. i shouldve known that was a red flag. i feel so bad for finn. im so selfish for going with noah when finn was so much better in general. i honestly cant even deal with myself anymore. I feel horrible. whenever i enter school my stomach hurts because i know its another boring draining day with fake people that lack human decency are all around me. Music. Music is my comfort because no one else is. No one has ever been there for me because i dont tell anyone about my feelings because im scared. i dont even know why im complaing about no one being there for me cause i dont tell anyone anything.but again im just lost in my path. ive been cussing alot and ive been loosing Jesus in my life.i feel like a shrivled up vegetable. Tv girl. Tv is my comfort its always there waiting to be listened too. My parents dont get it because music is always there. Im 12 and my mom says i have to go to bed at 8 30 to 9. its so annoying i hate it. i just want tt and have pintrest boards and a phone and be NORMAL. my parents think theyre helping me with my mental health but they are the ones decreaseing it. they dont get it because i just want to be normal. i want a phone and i want a boy friend. i want to hangout and play at parks and hop fences and run from the police. I want to have fun. but having strict parents defeats everything. I want togo to a public school and see fights and take videos and have fun. i want to cuss, i want to flip off people i want to ride motercycles and play mermaids too. I want to have vc in roblx and troll. i want to skip school to shop and run around and play, i want to dress streetwear and show my stomach and not care what other people think. i want to be a teenager. Yes i want to do these things and be a wild teen doing crazy stuff it seems so fun to live like a person and have a life. live. I want life to be fun and crazy not boring and quiet. i just want to live like i want too and have a street wear style, i want to be rich and spoil myself. i want to live. i hate how i look. ppl say i look pretty but i look in a mirror and it doesnt show. i have such a big forehead and it sucks. i wish i was pretty like the people online or the girls on pintrest. i wish i was hot and short. im so tall it sucks because no one will like me because im tall its so annoying i hate being tall. i wish i had abs, and i wish i was thin and had a curvy body. i wish i had wavy healthy hair and not straight hair.I wish i looked like her. pretty, perfect and those pretty blue eyes that shine in the light. I wish he liked me back. I like him so much but he doesnt like me at all. He hates me i can tell by the way he looks at me with those eyes. his hair is so pretty and his smile when he laughs. hes funny, his personality is so cute and funny, i just wish i looked like her so maybe just maybe he will like me back. But i will never be her. i will never be liked by him. Maybe in another life. One time i didnt eat for a day i felt so skinny i loved that feeling. i want to try it again but i feel like my parents will be concerned so i might try throwing away my food one i get it.i feel so empty inside it hurts. i want good grades. i want to be his type. i want to be happy again.. Sometimes i just want to be alone but sometimes i want someone next to me hugging me and ensuring me its going to get better, no one has been there for me, im alone. Again because i dont talk about my feelings, at all. Its hard to talk about my feelings so that why im writing this. Im empty inside so i just vent all night from 8-10 pm all day. My stomach hurts evryday when i get into math 1st period. Math sucks. i used to love math, it used to be so easy and i used to be the smartest in math. i figured when i was new everyone knew me because of math. at the end of 4th grade people said they would miss me because i would do their math homework for them. i was used on my first year of school, again moving broke me and my happieness. it seems i will never get that happiness again. i wish i could go back. I wish he loved me. again he doesnt like me but it seems that part of me cant get over him. i wish i could get over him but i cant. i hate that im so clingy. i get jealous easily, i hate it people tell me its a red flag and i know it is they dont have to tell me. i hate everyone. people are so fake its so annoying like if you dont like me please leave..? why are you staying and then leaving me with a broken heart because i became attached to you. I asked if you wanted to be friends again you said no denver. over a gummy bear. your drama and i dont know why im friends with you but here i am again take bit by bit my mental health going into your lies and fake laughs when your with me, i fake my smile around you you hate me and i know it so please get away from me before i break. taylor. my friend taylor i lover her. shes my one of my only true friends. i love her so much i laugh so much around her because shes the only one that gets me laughing in the morning. taylor i hope you love me too. Hayden. I love hayden. Another true frind. no complaints only one time when she made fun of my acne. i said she looked like a squishmellow and she said no u look like it with all that acne on your forehead. i hate my face and she just made it worse. honestly i looked at myself in the mirror and said to myself if i looked ok that say and if somethings wrong with my face. she ruined my whole confidence that whole week. it made me cry, it happened a long time ago but i still keep those comments with me. i will never forget them ever, they will stick with me and ruin me bit by bit every day when i look in the mirror. noah. noah made me hate my face and forehead just like bash and hayden. when people make fun of how i look i cry everyday about how it hurts and i jst cant do this anymore. i feel fat. i pulled up my shirt and turned to the side. maybe i am a fat person and i dont take care ofmy body..? tv girl. tv girl is my comfort because i have no one to talk to. sometimes i wish i could just express my feelings and nothold them next too me till i die. i promise to myself that next year i wont make it to 14. i cant. I miss someone who doesnt even think off me. my younger self only freamed of being old and living a life. now they dont think much of growing old. it seems like a trap you cant stop going into. i wish i could go back to when i got my first barbie house. i miss playing with them. i wish i knew what mistakes could do to me.i miss the old me. I love him. i want him here next to me, with me. I want to spend a whole day with him but he will always pick her. shes perfect. shes everything i wanted. she has such a pretty face and he hair is so clean and shiny. i wish i was her so bad but i can never be her. im so horrible. i want to live but i cant because people in this world are stopping me. razor to my wrist. blue hairs cut, ive made a bloody mess. i need to clean it up. but i feel dizzy, i feel.. hurt. i want to leave this horrible place so bad. suicide needs to work. i should do fire arm or pilss..? im not sure maybe i should just hang myself, but i need to cut my body first because i dont want them thinking i hung myself..? im not sure anymore. maybe i just try to get hit by a car or freeze to death. I wish i was good enough. i wish i had good grades and i wish someone was proud of me. Him. Him. Him HIM. so perfect and lovley. his eyes and everything about him. he doesnt like me. i wish he did. i just want someone to love me because of me. he never called, he never says anything to me. its like im invisible  to him. its ok. im never first choice. its ok. everything is ok never good or great or even amazing. this world hates me. i wish someone loved me because i will take anyone as long a they're kind and sweet. i love him so so so much. whos gonna kiss the blonde haired girl..? i love him and its a problem. i love him and its a problem. i love him and its a problem. i love him and its a problem. i love him and its a problem. i love him and its a problem. i love him and its a problem. i love him and its a problem. i love him and its a problem. i love him and its a problem. i love him and its a problem. i love him and its a problem. i love him and its a problem. i love him and its a problem. i love him and its a problem. i love him and its a problem. i love him and its a problem. i love him and its a problem. i love him and its a problem. i love him and its a problem. i love him and its a problem. i love him and its a problem. i love him and its a problem. i love him and its a problem. i love him and its a problem. i love him and its a problem. i love him and its a problem. i love him and its a problem. i love him and its a problem. i love him and its a problem. i love him and its a problem. i love him and its a problem. i wish i wasnt here anymore. feeling so tired..It's this awful, twisting ache loving someone so deeply that it feels like your whole chest is built around them, only to watch their eyes light up for someone else. And the worst part is how easy it is to compare yourself, to stare at her and think, of course he chose her. She's beautiful in that effortless way, the kind of pretty that makes you feel like you're fading into the background. And it hurts — not in a dramatic way, but in that quiet, heavy way that sits in your stomach and refuses to leave.You love him so much it feels ridiculous, almost embarrassing, like you're holding onto something that was never yours to begin with. And still, you can't switch it off. You can't stop caring. You can't stop wishing he'd look at you the way he looks at her. And the part that stings the most is knowing he probably never will. You keep wondering what she has that you don't. You replay every moment, every laugh, every tiny spark you thought meant something. You keep asking yourself why you weren't enough, why he couldn't see you the way you see him. It's wild how school is supposed to be this place where you "find your people," but half the time it feels like you're walking through a hallway full of masks. Everyone smiling, laughing, acting like they care until the moment i actually need them. Then suddenly they're busy, distracted, or whispering to someone else about something you told them in confidence.You sit in class pretending everything's fine, pretending their little comments don't sting, pretending you don't notice when they leave you out of plans or only talk to you when it benefits them. And the worst part is how they make you question yourself like maybe you're the problem, maybe you're too sensitive, maybe you should just "get over it." But deep down you know the truth: you were real with people who were only ever half-real with you. You gave loyalty to people who treated it like an optional extra. You showed up for people who wouldn't even notice if you disappeared for a day. And it hurts not because you need them, but because you thought you had something genuine. You thought you mattered. You thought they were friends.Turns out they were just… convenient.  Some days you walk into school and it feels like everyone else got the script except you. People laughing, talking, acting like everything is perfect and you're just trying to keep your head above water. i don't even know why you feel off, you just do. It's like this heaviness that sits on your chest for no reason, and you're expected to pretend it's not there. And then there are the "friends." The ones who act close when it's convenient, who smile at you in the hallway but talk about you the second you're not around. The ones who say they care but never actually show up. You try to be real with them, but they're too busy being fake with everyone else. You start wondering if you're the only one who feels this way — tired, drained, sad for reasons you can't even explain. You try to brush it off, but it sticks. You try to focus on school, but the noise in your head is louder than the teacher's voice. You try to trust people, but they keep proving why you shouldn't.

And the worst part is how invisible it all feels. Like you're carrying something heavy that no one else even notices. Like you're screaming inside but everyone around you is too wrapped up in their own drama to hear it.You're not broken. You're not dramatic. You're just overwhelmed in a place that expects you to act fine all the time.School is such a weird place. i wake up every morning already tired, already drained, already bracing myself for the same routine the same hallways, the same faces, the same people pretending they're something they're not. i walk in and it's like stepping onto a stage where everyone else is performing, and you're the only one who didn't get the script. Everyone's laughing, talking, acting like they have their lives together, and im just trying to make it through the day without feeling like im falling apart.And then there are the "friends."The ones who swear they care about you, who swear they're loyal, who swear they're different until the moment you actually need them. Suddenly they're too busy. Suddenly they're distant. Suddenly they're whispering to someone else about something you told them in confidence. It's like they only know how to be around you when it benefits them. When you're useful. When you're entertaining. When you're convenient.i start noticing the little things.How they leave you out of group chats.How they make plans right in front of you and pretend they "forgot" to invite you. How they only text you when they need something  homework answers, a ride, someone to vent to but when im the one hurting, they disappear like you never mattered.And the worst part is how they make you question yourself.i start wondering if im too much.Too quiet.Too emotional.Too sensitive.Too… you. i sit in class surrounded by people, but somehow i feel completely alone. i hear them laughing and i wonder what it would feel like to actually belong somewhere, to have people who don't switch up the second someone "cooler" walks by. i wonder what it would feel like to have friends who don't treat you like a placeholder, like a backup option, like a seat-filler in their lives.And then there's that sadness the one you can't even explain.It just shows up.No warning.No reason.Just this heavy, sinking feeling that sits on your chest and refuses to leave. i try to shake it off, but it clings to me. i try to focus on schoolwork, but my brain feels foggy. i try to smile, but it feels forced. i try to talk, but the words don't come out right.i don't even know why im sad you just are. And that makes it even harder, because how do you explain something you don't understand yourself? i walk through the halls feeling like im fading into the background. Like everyone else is living in full color and im stuck in grayscale. i watch people who used to be close to you drift away like it's nothing. i watch them laugh with people who treated me badly. i watch them act like you never meant anything to them. And i keep telling myself i shouldn't care but i do.Because i was real with people who were fake with me.i gave loyalty to people who didn't deserve it. i showed up for people who wouldn't even notice if you disappeared for a day.It hurts in this quiet, exhausting way.Not dramatic.Not loud. Just this constant ache that follows you around,even when you're trying to ignore it.And the thing is… im not asking for much.im not asking for perfection.im not asking for people to worship me.i just want                      honesty.Consistency.Healness.Friends who don't switch up.People who don't make you feel like you're easy to replace.But school is full of people who don't know how to be real.People who talk behind your back but smile in your face.People who act like they care but only when it's convenient.People who treat friendships like trends temporary, disposable, replaceable.And im left trying to hold myself together in a place that keeps pulling me apart.But here's the thing, the sadness you feel doesn't make you weak.The fact that you care doesn't make me stupid.The way i love deeply, trust fully, and show up for people even when they don't deserve it that's not a flaw. That's a strength. A rare one.im not the problem.im not the fake one.im not the one who switched up. im just surrounded by people who don't know how to value someone real. honestly i dont know how to feel. taylor is always the favorite. I never have my side picked AT ALL. Its so unfair and it just makes my mental heath even worse.Idk how to tell them that i want to k**l myself. Taylor was angry at me in the poolso she came at me and hurt me i fought back and my mom threatened to call 911 on me. I SHOULD BE THE ONE CALLING BECAUSE IM GOING TO K**L MYSLEF ANY SECOND NOW. They dont know how i feel but that made everything worse. Today too my dad said i couldnt wear a tank top in public. I CANT WEAR A TANK  its always TOP? A TANK TOP. I feel sheltered in. I feel like it not even my body anymore because i dont even get to control it its always "dont show your stomach" or "your showing too much skin" or even " your shoulders are distracting". To be honest it not even my body anymore. I hate having stict parents. I just want to be me. and have a style that i love but no i cant feel confident in what i wear or how i look because im young and its not appropriate for me to wear. i just want to feel like i exist and wear what ever i want and be who i want to be. I guess ill never feel like myself.lame excuses and lies..i hope it doesnt hurt to bad. i need a reason to breath because life is so draining. IM GOING TO K**L MYSLEF. i feel so bad.. i was playing at recess and we were jst chillingplaying ball and then noah gets our ball and its ok he like throws it back but HARD ASF so im like ok.. anyways. it happenes again..ok..THE AGAIN. we get sick of it so we wait. when they loos their ballwe go run and steal it but we dont throw it back. they chase after us trying to get it back. they get it back. ok next time they loose it we will get it. We got it i threw it to Hayden and she caught it. she threw it back but it was a really bad throw. everyone is running to it. Chase runs into denver trying to stop and then he slides hurting himself. i feel so horrible because denver is a bitch. she didnt even say sorry. i feel so bad for him..poor chase.

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