Worthy Of Love

I think I've started
to realise that I really don't value relationships that much, I have this
pathological desire to self-sabotage and ruin them. I don't really know where
it stems from. Does it start with daddy issues? Was that where the first hurt began?
Do I try and ruin the relationships around me so that I don't get hurt again?
Is that healthy? That's definitely a toxic trait of mine. I can cut out people
as soon as they hurt me, well it's more me realising that they've been hurting
me for a while and there comes a moment where someone really hurts me and I
become more self-aware and get almost shocked and disgusted in myself that I
let this go on for so long and find myself at a point where I can't fix it and
don't like the relationship anymore. So then I cut it out, like a tumour. But
because of me constantly being used to that, I let the good people with good
vibes slip away… I try and find too many faults in them, I judge them too
harshly, I suddenly lose that sense of empathy and decide this relationship
isn't good enough anymore. I don't look at the good moments, and instead focus
on all the bad, no matter how many good or bad moments there are, those good
moments should be enough and yet I let the bad outdo the good, everytime. When
I find people with real good intensions, I don't even recognise it because I've
never experienced it before, it's honestly foreign to me, so when I sense the
bad intensions I try and run as far as I can without even recognsing the good
because I'm so afraid of being hurt. How do you get over the feeling of being
hurt and find space in your heart for good when you've experienced so little of
that? Is my heart dark? Maybe, there's a little light, if I think everyone is
worthy of love, why don't I?