Why I Think I have BPD

Not only are those symptoms that I am experiencing, but they are also symptoms of BPD. I don’t know for sure that I have it, in fact I actually hope that I don’t … But if I do have it, I just want to be properly diagnosed so that one day maybe I can be better!

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I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember. But I’ve always been very self-aware and reflective, so I’ve always been able to kind of act as my own counselor. For most of my life, my healing process was thus: experience a difficult event/feeling -> write about it -> analyze my interpretation of events for points that might be biased, perceptions that might be distorted, beliefs that may be wrong, etc. -> feel better. Rinse, repeat. But somehow that just has not been working anymore.

For starters, I now have no friends. I can talk to people fairly easily and I’m on friendly terms with people at work and in school. But once I get home, I have no one. My partner, who for the sake of this journal, I’m going to name Craig, is the only other human person that I regularly see. Now obviously, having Craig as my only human connection is fucked up. But I have no idea how to turn acquaintances into friends. Some of them, I want to ask to hang out, but they all hang out without inviting me, so it seems like they don’t like me or don’t notice my existence. I deleted my facebook and instagram because I couldn’t stand to see them, smiling and laughing, commenting on each other’s shit, just having good happy lives. It reminded me too much of how miserable and lonely I am.

As for Craig, he and I don’t even get along, really. We aren’t interested in the same things: he’s super sporty and I’ve always been too self conscious and slow to ever attempt sports. We fight a lot. Explosive, horrible, abusive fights. He’s told me before that he wishes I were dead, or that he were, that I’m an idiot, that he hates me, that I’m crazy… I’ve told him that he’s selfish, that I hate him too, that he should go to hell, and I don’t even know what else, to be honest. The point is, it gets ugly. We’re horrible. Did we always fight like this? NO! This is something that started to happen about three years ago, when my mental health started to really go down the tubes. I can’t pinpoint an exact moment in time when it started to get awful, and I also flip-flop on whether I’m the one to blame, or Craig. I think that maybe we should share the blame now, but that it was me who originally got us to this point. Which makes a good segue into why I think I have BPD:

• Every tiny perceived slight makes me feel awful, like I’m worthless and no one will ever like me. If friends hang out without me, I feel so angry/sad/lost. I might cry, or cut myself.
• This leads to blow out fights with those closest to me – if I’m comfortable enough with you to be my “real” self (sorry, Craig), I might confront you about my feelings being hurt. This usually leads to a screaming match, or at least me screaming, crying, generally being unable to control my emotions AT ALL. If something is said to me that is really mean (“you make me miserable!”) and worse, also true, I immediately launch into self hatred, and generally spend the rest of the day or the next few days wanting to die, or planning to kill myself. I feel worthless, my life is messy and mostly I just feel pain, and I cause pain for those I love. It would be easier for everyone if I were dead, because I don’t know how to control myself.
• I don’t trust anyone. I’m just incapable of it. I don’t trust that my doctor believes what I tell her, that Craig is not planning to leave me but scared that I’d kill myself (Just leave if it will help you, Craig!!!), I don’t trust my counselor to not think I’m insane if I tell her that she’s not helping me at all and I need DBT and medication for BDP, that my “friends” (the ones I used to have) don’t hate me and not want to deal with my shit.

• I have “episodes”, which I suspect may be disassociation. I don’t have them often, maybe once every few years. The last one I can remember was in 2016. I suffer anxiety as well, and sometimes it will get really really bad, and I just leave wherever I am and walk home. The weird thing about it is that I am doing it unconsciously. Usually, when I get about halfway home I come back into my body (that’s the only real way I can explain it) and realize that I’m walking home from the bar in the middle of winter with no jacket on or something, and it’s crazy, but I’m already halfway there so I just keep going. Once I ended up locked out of my house because of this. I left without my jacket and key. It’s a little scary.

• I experience some major black and white thinking when it comes to people and animals. Poor animals, they definitely don’t deserve this! I’ve noticed that I either love people to death or I hate them. Usually if it becomes hate I can never go back to liking them again, there’s always this suspicion there. In all other aspects of my life I see things in shades of grey, I try to look at things from all sides. I have no idea why I can not see people this way. 😦
• I have no healthy close relationships. With anyone. I have no idea how to even cultivate attachments to people. I’m afraid to date anyone (other than Craig whom I’m already dating since before this became a problem – again, I’m so sorry Craig, I thought I just had regular ol’ depression and anxiety and it was getting better!) because as soon as they get close to me I become a controlling psycho.

• I am low-contact with my parents. I’ve tried “no-contact” before, but they freak out and it gets worse. Growing up my parents were very abusive, sometimes physically but usually emotionally/verbally. I left home as soon as I could afford it (thinking that it would mean the end of my troubles, lol I know nothing), but the sting of not having that foundation of love and support has been really really difficult for me. Because my parents were so abusive, I used to always hide in my room and try to stay away from them, which I’ve realized recently also means that I’ve never been properly socialized …. maybe that’s why I have such bad social anxiety, am so bad at making friends, relating to people,, making small talk, trusting people, etc. I know you can’t blame your parents forever, but it’s hard to get out of this funk and try to improve myself on my own when I need help.

Not only are those symptoms that I am experiencing, but they are also symptoms of BPD. I don’t know for sure that I have it, in fact I actually hope that I don’t, mainly because I’ve read too many horror stories from people who had friends or lovers with it who talk about what monsters they are and how they ruin lives, and I don’t want that to be me anymore. Please God. But if I do have it, I just want to be properly diagnosed so that one day maybe I can be better!

Author: undiagnoseddiary

I write about my ongoing struggles with mental illness. I hope my anonymity lends itself to honesty so that someone else who is struggling can see that they are not alone. View all posts by undiagnoseddiary