It Was You - A Note For Daniel

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I used to keep a list of all my triggers. When I noticed one, I'd write it down. The list got longer and longer. I won't bore you with it here. Typical day-to-day stuff. You remember, after all. 

The long days of screaming, crying, swearing that I'll leave you this time. It was an all an empty threat and you called it every time.

Until one day, I left you.

It was so hard. It hurt so badly. I didn't know if I would ever get through, if anyone else could ever love me. Would ever love me. I had said aloud repeatedly that it wasn't me, all your problems couldn't be me, but I didn't convince either of us. At first, the pain was horrible. My chest was tight, my throat was closing, my eyes were raining floods of tears. I felt so alone. I felt like the pain would never stop. And then it did. 

Slowly now, first over a few months, and then over a few weeks, then faster and faster as time ran on, I removed things from my list. I became unbothered by trivial things. My lungs could fill up with air, a breath of relief for the first time in what felt like forever.

It was you.

It wasn't me - all this time I thought it was, but it was only you'd who convinced me. You blaming me for every problem, great and small, you finding issues in my autonomy, my friends... you throwing things at me when I was bothering you too much. You telling me you didn't like me anyway. No one did. 

I was so convinced it was me. But now I know. 

It was you.

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