written by Sad Girl

Sudden stream of consciousness

a blurry photo of a screaming woman
courtesy of unsplash

I can't function properly. I go without leaving the house most days. I can hardly bear to interact with people. Just having to show up at work every day is exhausting - let alone getting anything done. I wonder if I'm autistic, and that's why I have "treatment resistant depression" that often times goes away on its own as long as I am busy... but then I wonder if maybe I am just seeing too much of the wrong tiktoks. It's honestly hard to say. 

I guess in a way I think that having something I could blame - that isn't my personality - for my failure makes me feel better. Having autism would give me a "reason" as to why I am the way I am. Why I fail to connect with other people. Why just being alive seems to cause burnout for me. But maybe it IS just me. Maybe either way, my brain is broken in some incurable way, and the pain will last forever, and the only way it'll end is the end of me. It's true that it feels like the pain is almost a part of me ... I can't remember a time when I didn't want to die. Maybe there was a time before it, but I honestly couldn't say. Maybe I was born that way. I certainly never felt understood, or loved, and it is the same even now.




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Comments

  1. Anonymous23:29

    im autistic and tbh i dont really think ppl accept it as a "reason" for being any way, they still dont like you cause your different imo. it sucks to be autistic and maybe it sucks to not be autistic but no one gives a shit about you either way in my personal experience

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous13:56

    i dont have autism but adhd has a lot of the same symptoms, and the way people treat me when im having difficulties is so upsetting. really think it contributed to my severe depression in high school/university

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous18:42

    I would say being diagnosed autistic was a relief and gave me a reason to give socially as to why I’m so “weird” but i didn’t get offered and sort of support or accommodation so in general it just cost money for nothing tbh depends on if you want/need the validation

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