Trying to Help Myself

While I wait it out to see if my regular counselor can help me determine whether or not I have BPD, or while I wait for the call from a clinical psychologist, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I’m determined not to let this ruin or take my life. I have been through so much in my life already, and I’ve had lots of times where I thought I wouldn’t be able to make it. But I always have. And maybe I can do this, too. I’m certainly going to keep trying.

Anyway, so I spent most of today moping around my house, crying, staring into space, neglecting my hygiene, the usual. I decided to do the worksheets my counselor gave me, partly out of thinking they’ll never help if I don’t at least take them half seriously, and partly out of pure spite because a part of me believes they’ll never help anyway and they’re just annoying. But suddenly I realized, I spend so long searching up BPD descriptions and symptoms, and looking at reddit threads of people affected by BPD, so why don’t I spend more of my time reading about ways in which the symptoms can be improved. Surely there are some behavioural aspects of DBT that you can try and practice at home? And I found a lot of worksheets and detailed explanations of ways you can help yourself cope with your emotions during a crisis. I searched around my house for an old binder (since I obtained a 3-hole punch I’ve become a sucker for a good binder to keep notes together in one easily accessible place), and printed out dozens of pages of sheets and workbooks, symptoms of BPD and general information. Some of it deals with setting boundaries, gaining assertiveness and self esteem, handling rage and anger, and healthy communication. I’m going to attach the links to this post for later reference.

I actually enjoyed the experience of reading through these workbooks to decide what ones seemed most helpful to me and printing them off. It really does make me feel better to think that I am doing something hopeful and productive. Funny how quickly it lifted my mood from horribly-depressed-and-suicidal, to just too-depressed-to-shower-still-but-still-considering-trying-before-bed. I’ve been reading through the workbook I made and I’m hoping if I stick with this as much as I can, and maybe if I bring it to my counselling session (maybe not my very next one because I don’t want her to think I’m crazy) my counsellor can go over it with me and help me figure out if this is something that I suffer from and need help with or what.

I almost forgot, the workbooks also helped me in that I found some information on medication and other therapies offered to people who struggle with BPD, and I realized that a lot of that “positive” stuff about it I did not know. I also learned that the way that one of the people in charge of the counseling centre at my University describes/views BPD is outdated and puts a lot of blame on the victim as “attention seeking”. I had heard her describe so many students with BPD as being “attention seekers” who would not stop threatening suicide, and so it helped me believe that maybe that’s why I was doing all of this, too. That I’m desperate for the love and attention that I never got from my parents. And maybe I am, but I hope not. This is why I need help, with someone outside of the University!

Links:
Mind.org BPD Info + help
Reddit Worksheet List

Author: undiagnoseddiary

I write about my ongoing struggles with mental illness. I hope my anonymity lends itself to honesty so that someone else who is struggling can see that they are not alone. View all posts by undiagnoseddiary